My blog is getting a makeover. This is interesting mostly because I'm also just finally kicking this thing off (a project I started and planned to do almost nine months ago). The thing is, nine months ago I was just starting my second trimester of my first pregnancy. I was ambitious. I was anxious. Husby was working long hours and I needed an outlet. By the time I finished on the design and overviews for this blog I was tired. I was more pregnant, working full-time and working out every day after leaving the office. Those five flights of stairs I so whimsically describe in the "Why Richmond & Style" section had become my nemesis. My belly was growing and while style and fashion still remained a priority, writing about it did not.
So why am I starting this blog now? Why almost three months into stumbling through being a first time, full-time working mother? I need to find a balance.
I was recently discussing with a new mom friend of mine how crazy life has been since we’ve had our little ones. We both expressed the same issues…finding time to cook, clean, do laundry and still feel like we've given adequate attention to our husbands and dogs is like a juggling act even the most seasoned clown couldn't master. How do we get workouts in? How do we manage to get even our hair done? And we both really, really need manicures.
And that’s when she said it: But you look like you have it all together.
I just need to be real. And "here" seems like a good place to do it. I am so struggling with finding a balance.
I went back to work full-time three weeks ago and I’ve struggled with every minute of it. Maybe it’s the mom guilt, but I hate leaving Adelyn with someone else even though I know she's loved and cared for where she's staying. I am suddenly struggling with meal planning, so my lunch breaks have been spent in a panic at the grocery store picking up ingredients for that night's dinner; and then by the time all is said and done I have to force myself to stop at the gym on my way home because the mom guilt rears its ugly head again and whispers “you should be home with your baby". I haven’t had a manicure in months and neglect to file or paint my own nails, mainly because they won’t dry in time for me to pump or change a diaper. And I’m sweetly reminded of that every time a friend comments that they are “shocked” my nails are in disarray.
I went to my closet to get dressed the other day and just stared at everything for a good five minutes. Five minutes of which I really didn’t have. And in that moment I just wanted to cry because putting together a cute outfit required more energy than I really had right then. To which I then threw on a pair of leggings, a loose dressy button down and ballet flats.
That’s when my husband reminded me that perhaps I have it more together than I think I do. I walked out of the bedroom in defeat to hear him say to our perfect little girl "look at your pretty Momma" followed up by how much he liked what I was wearing. In that moment I decided that I really need to start doing more for me so I feel inside me the things he sees outside. I love my daughter. She is the highlight of my day, every day. I miss her when she’s sleeping; I soak up every minute of her when she’s awake. But I feel like I’ve lost myself a little, naturally, being caught up in life as a new mom. I need to learn that it’s ok to want to get a manicure, go for a run, or snuggle up to my incredible husband while she giggles at her reflection in the mirror on her swing. I need to guiltlessly take Husby up on ordering take out on nights I just don’t feel like cooking, and realize that I'm not--in fact--neglecting my daughter just because I spent twenty minutes on a deep conditioning treatment for my hair.
I think new moms put a lot of pressure on themselves to be the poster woman for perfection. We all want to be the pretty, fit mom who cooks and cleans while wearing a cute outfit and changing a diaper at the same time. I am one of those moms. But I'm not perfect. My hair isn’t always done; my nails aren’t always filed. And sometimes I burn dinner. I need to start embracing the imperfections and find my balance.
So my blog is getting a makeover. It's getting updates on me and it's going to rest as my own personal diary. It's still going to discuss style because...well...that's quite a bit of who I am. But it's going to serve as my outlet. My outlet to committing to finding a balance. A balance that embraces the real me, imperfections and all. Because I love my perfectly imperfect life.