It’s not my thing. In fact I don’t think it’s ever been my thing, but it’s become progressively less and less of my thing the older I get. And the older I get, the more I hear the words I hate almost more than any other words coming out of my very own mouth:
I just don’t have the patience for this.
As in, end of discussion, because I said I don’t have the patience for it I therefore don’t need to even attempt to find the patience.
That’s like saying “I don’t want to go to work today” therefore I won’t and still remain employed with a steady paycheck. That’s just not the way life works, but for some reason I still say (and usually mean) that insanely obnoxious phrase written above.
To people who really know me or have spent a lot of time with me I can’t imagine this comes as a surprise. I’m what you would describe as a relaxed, high-energy person.
Correct; I’m a walking oxymoron.
My natural reaction to almost every situation is to rationalize my way through it. Facts, facts, facts. I love them. I could have an affair with facts. Facts are what keep me balanced from one day to the next, and they’re what keep me organized amidst the 1,486 things I’m doing and thinking in any given one-hour time period.
Facts in the middle of a chaotic situation keep me breathing evenly and typically pretty unphased. This is probably the only reason I can do my job every single day and stay [almost] completely unaffected by the stress that surrounds it.
Facts. Take for example our current living situation. Husby and I are renting a house while our new house is being built. The house we’re living in was put up for sale, and we truly have no rights when it comes to this. That means we have to let anyone walk through our house with only 12 hours notice. Whoever walks through our house, if we aren’t there, is not responsible if either one of our animals gets loose. They’re not responsible for anything that could go missing, and there’s literally no record of anyone who ends up walking through it (we found this out after a couple of no shows because no one—including the listing agent—actually knew who was going to be coming to show the house or walking through it). Oh, and did I mention Husby and I both work fulltime (plus), have a 2-year-old who tears the place apart daily and are on a month-to-month lease, so if it sells before our house is done we could essentially be homeless?
The situation is like a cesspool for stress. Except there are facts I can find and grip onto for dear life.
Fact: Potential regular showings give us more reason to maintain a clean, comfortable, organized residence, in the end making me happier (I like clean and organized).
Fact: We can live in an extended stay or apartment for the few months needed if the house sells
Fact: We can arrange our schedule to be home for every visit to protect the animals
Ok, I’m breathing again, crisis averted. I don’t need the world I just need facts.
When things test my patience without rational facts for me to reason through I lose it, and I lose it a lot faster than I wish I did. These are the areas I need to work on. The areas where I can't rationalize my way out of, the areas that I can't control.
Yes, it all comes down to control with me. Egh.
As soon as I react, I hate that I did. A little part of me hates myself a little more every time I react due to lack of patience. I feel like the worst mother in the world when I hear my tone get harsher with Adelyn, and I feel so guilty when I have to come back to my husband apologizing for just reacting instead of finding patience.
So patience is my mid-year resolution I guess you could say. It’s something I tend to work on in waves, but as we enter into the 2’s (I’m not writing terrible in front of that because I’m still hoping they won’t be that terrible!), I need to get a handle on how to remain a little more patient in the face of unrational events.
Because let’s be honest, I’m married to a musician and life is morphing into something with a very strong-willed two-year-old (hmmmm, I wonder where she got that trait?!). I’m going to NEED a lot of patience these next couple of years!