I think back to my life and mindset a short five years ago, and it’s hard to stifle the laugh that makes its way through my body. The difference is palpable to anyone who knew me in even the tiniest way back then. To think I didn’t even believe in the sanctity of marriage in today’s world (with good reason as I look around at even close loved ones and friends who seem to treat it as just another dating relationship they can come and go to and from as they please). To think I was certain I would never want to carry a child of my own, and was only open to adopting because of my vain fear of losing the body image I had devoted countless hours to achieving. Five years ago, my entire mindset on where I wanted my life to go was different.
One year ago today my mind was racing with emotions and fears. What did I get myself into? I’m not fit to be a mother! What if I resent my baby for taking away my freedom? What if my baby hates me?
One year ago today, Adelyn June Anders joined our lives.
This past year has been the most challenging, yet rewarding, year of my life. All of my above fears proved ridiculous, but they were replaced with all new fears for my helpless child.
I’ve grown. I’ve grown in ways I didn’t know I needed to, and messed up in more ways than I’d like to admit. I’ve struggled over and over to find balance, and as soon as I seem to have it I teeter totter all over again and lose my grip.
I’ve learned. I’ve learned how to be patient, even when I hate being patient, and that I still have a long way to go on mastering the art of patience. I’ve learned how to adapt. I’ve learned I really have no control over things, and that’s helped me learn how to be a little more flexible. I’ve learned to let things go, even when people hurt you.
Even after an entire year I’m still learning. I’m learning how to be a better person, a better friend, a better wife and a better mother.
In one year I have fallen so hopelessly in love with this now one-year-old little girl. From her silky blonde hair and bright blue eyes all the way down to her plump little piggy toes, I love her. I love her infectious laugh, her sheer excitement with the world and her unconditional love. I love the ear-piercing squeal she lets out as soon as she spots me after work, and I melt every time she toddles over to me just to give me a hug then goes back to playing.
Her little personality is shining through, and it’s apparent she is just like her mama (a little dramatic, and sometimes whiny, but loves to laugh!). I love to watch her explore and discover new things, and her understanding of simple sarcasm is astounding.
As much as I wish I could make time slow down, I’m also so excited to see what these next few years hold. To see how amazing the transformation from baby to toddler was, I can only imagine the transformation from toddler to little girl will be just as special.
To Adelyn: You are our world and the reason our hearts beat the way they do. You have added more to your daddy and my lives than we ever dreamed you would, and many days we still talk about how we can’t believe such a perfect child was entrusted to us. You have taught us how to be parents, and you’ve even taught us how to be better spouses. So today we celebrate YOU. All 12 months of you!
Love, your “Mamama”